Tuesday, May 13, 2008 Y
Had the last paper, finally. Get to catch a breath before continuing this long Secondary Four journey. Got back Chinese, and the result is not ideal. Its too low, and I rather don't have those half marks. It seems like lying to myself to accept those half marks. I deserve a fail grade, for I was too confident. Confident is always the downpour of mine, yet one needs confidence to get high marks. Its funny how things always contradicts with me. Just in case you guys are wondering whats my Chinese marks, its highly a B3. Its freaking poor, my lowest in my whole of Secondary life. I wonder, will I still be able to type out a post if this were to be my 'O' level results. I guess, I am still under the water, waiting for someone to wake me up before my oxygen dies out. Will I make it in time, the answer has yet to be found.
Words of encouragement or discouragement, I could no longer tell the difference. They all sounds the same to me. Working hard will really gets me my results? I don't know, for it all starts to seem futile. Grades not improving, marks dropping, can't understand those easy concepts, its freaking irritating. It seems even worse when I starts to work hard. But, is giving up worth it? Looking down from a height is so captivating, and I feel like trying it out, but the thought always come, if I never give myself a chance to prove it, then I will always never be able to succeed. Its true for all, but its also the hardest to believe in. I want to score, I want to excel, I want them to praise me like they did for him, but in a part of my heart, I want them to understand how does regret feels like, I want them to feel ashamed. Its all so weird, all so different. I want to be recognize, not because of him, not because of my results, not because of anything else, but as human, as a person, as of myself. Is it really this hard?
Retarded girl, why can't you even score for this simple exam? Why? You had been educated in Chinese and yet you can't scored well in it? You are pathetic. You want to prove your existence? Tell you something, you are not even seem fit to be the shadow, not to talk about yourself. Don't keep saying that you are following his footsteps are what rubbish. You are just you, a born loser who has no talents in keeping up to his standard. You disgraces the whole family, the reputation of him. If you still claim that you want to prove your existence, your ability, then fight with your own hands, your own strength. Turn this anger and frustration into your ability, make it your own and use it. Its better than you doing nothing. Prove it to others that you are strong, not a weakling. Prove it to others that you exist, not as a shadow. Prove it with your very own strength, don't rely on others. You lead the life of a loner, not others. Stop showing them your ugly mask, break it. What you desire is others accepting the real you, and if they accept you now, they are merely accepting the fake personality you currently has. Think, ponder and act as you please, loser...
Let out your emotions, you are a girl not a boy. You can shed tears, for it won't disgraces yourself. Sometimes, letting out is much better than hiding it...
and I miss you already
6:39 PM
Macbook Pro(13 inch)
That Headset